7.  Communicate regularly in both encouraging and confronting them

My experience is increasingly teaching me that timely, thorough and honest communication is one of the greatest needs that churches have--both corporately and on a personal level. Let me address the personal level. I’ve discovered, for starters, that many leaders have too many direct reports and there is not enough time taken to invest in solid communication with those direct reports.

Try to get your direct reports down to max 3-5 and then make sure that you are communicating regularly with those who report to you.  Let them know when they are doing well and when they are not doing well.  People want to know how they are doing.  A once-a-year progress review won’t cut it. To keep motivation up, people need to hear several times a month if you are happy or not happy with what they are doing. Be open and honest with them, make time for them, listen well and answer their questions.

8.  Don’t be afraid to select a few

I hear from some leaders that it’s not fair to pick certain people…that others will feel bad…that it’s biased and shows prejudice.  That is pure and simple hogwash, without a thread of biblical support. Moses picked a few, Nehemiah picked a few, Jesus picked a few, as did the Apostle Paul.  It’s not a matter of value but of strategy. By picking a few, you are not saying they are more valuable and others are less valuable. Everyone is equally valuable; everyone is not equally strategic. One of the key responsibilities of any leader is to develop other leaders and to do that you need to carefully select a few in whom to invest. It is strategically critical for leaders to hand pick and develop other leaders or get ready for an early grave (See Exodus 18).

9.  Those you select don’t have to be perfect, or older, to lead

It’s not age, but maturity, that matters. Gray hair is over-rated and maturity is under rated. I’ve met very mature 20-year olds and very immature 40-year olds. Paul told Timothy not to let his youth stand in the way of leading (1 Timothy 4:12). At times we tend to dismiss or overlook a potential leader because he is not perfectly ready or old enough. Focus not on perfection but on a hunger to grow and learn.

There are some very mature and gifted leaders who are in their 20’s and 30’s who are being overlooked because existing leaders don’t think they’re old enough or experienced enough to have major responsibilities. Give them a shot and develop them as you go along.

10. Be vulnerable and real with them

Younger leaders highly value authenticity. Share your failures, your mistakes, your fears and your sins. It's not a perfect leader they want to follow but an authentic/ genuine leader. My generation used to think that being vulnerable and sharing your mistakes and sin was showing weakness.  This younger generation sees that kind of openness as a strength. Don’t cover up and hide, but confess your fears, your stupid decisions, and your sin.

I just finished a great book by Brad Lomenick The Catalyst Leader. Brad heads up the Catalyst Movement, which works with the next generation of leaders. On Friday of this week I will share (straight from his book) “Twenty Points on Leading Twentysomethings.” The book is amazingly insightful on how to work with, understand and develop young leaders.

Today is the first of a two-part blog on raising up the next generation of leaders. Part two will come on Wednesday of this week.

1.  Pray

We are encouraged by Jesus in Matthew 9:36,37 to pray for workers (leaders) for the harvest.  In Acts 1:24 the eleven prayed, asking the Lord to show them which one he had chosen to take Judas’ place. We need wisdom, and a good dose of God’s guidance, to pick the right people for leadership. Everywhere I’ve gone over my 45 years of ministry I pray to be able to find those to invest in as leaders. Pray earnestly that the Lord of the harvest will raise up leaders in your context.

2.  Look around you

Some of the very leaders you are looking for are right in front of you. Ask the Lord for eyes to see them, to be able to discern potential in those you see every week. Look for faithful, dependable types who have the ability and desire to pass onto others what they get from you (2 Timothy 2:2). Don’t look for perfection, but for hunger and raw talent.

3.  Set them up for success with clarity on responsibilities, authority and expectations

I've discovered through the years that people do much better at any responsibility when they have clarity on what you have asked them to do (a written job description), what authority they have to make different kinds of decisions (spend money, choose curricula and select people), and what expectations you have for them in that particular role. When placing a person in a role, most leaders have something in mind that they're expecting to see, but they often don’t express those expectations up front. Clarity is a huge motivator and morale builder.

4.  Give them small tasks to develop confidence, competence and faithfulness

Luke 16:10 tells us that people who are faithful in small things will also be faithful in bigger things. Bobby Clinton, Professor of Leadership at Fuller Seminar and author of  “The Making of A Leader” (a must-read for all leaders in my opinion), calls this the “Big Little Principle.” Give them a small task or responsibility. If they do well and show good character in doing it, add something more; incremental responsibility. When they consistently do well and exhibit good habits of follow-through, discipline and a positive attitude, you can see how they do in being responsible for another person’s work.  You have now moved them from worker to supervisor. Take them as far as their gifts and capacity will allow. This principle is practiced in business, in sports and it will work in the church. This is better than throwing them in the deep end of the pool and hoping they swim.

5.  Build a small group 

I have found it very productive to take a few promising leaders and have a weekly group with them, working through leadership material and ideas. You get to observe them closely, see how they interface and interact with others, listen to how they pray and get a sense of their hunger to grow, learn and apply what they're receiving. You could consider studying through a book of the Bible, such as 1 Timothy, 2 Timothy or Nehemiah, or reading a leadership book and discussing it. Make sure there is lots of interaction and the group doesn’t become a teaching venue for you.

6.  Help them discover their gifts and passion

We are a body, a family and a team (1 Corinthians 12, Romans 12). Different people have different gifting, capacity and passions.  It’s good to help potential leaders discover how God has wired them. Some are very administratively oriented, others are great communicators, and still others have excellent skills in technology. They can learn about who they are by different inventories, through experimentation, and by feedback from others who know them well and have observed them in action.

There is a post on my blog under the “Articles” tab entitled “Comfort Zone or Gift Zone” which is helpful in creating a leadership development pathway that is gift- rather than need-based. This is not to say that a person never does anything outside of their gift zone; but, more, that they spend most of their time doing what they are best suited for. Marcus Buckingham says that “The best of their job should be the most of their job.”

Deuteronomy 17:17-20 ESV:

"And he shall not acquire many wives for himself, lest his heart turn away, nor shall he acquire for himself excessive silver and gold. And when he sits on the throne of his kingdom, he shall write for himself in a book a copy of this law, approved by the Levitical priests. And it shall be with him, and he shall read in it all the days of his life, that he may learn to fear the Lord his God by keeping all the words of this law and these statutes, and doing them, that his heart may not be lifted up above his brothers, and that he may not turn aside from the commandment, either to the right hand or to the left, so that he may continue long in his kingdom, he and his children, in Israel.”

Jesus, lots here. The key is to fear you so that I don't commit adultery, don't become materialistic and do stay humble. One of the ways of doing this is by reading your word all the days of my life. Thank you that you have helped me be faithful to this for 53 years. 

Continue to make my time with you real, relevant, life giving and genuine. As you grant a certain degree of "success," help my heart not to be lifted up above my brothers/sisters in your family. Mark 10:42,43 and Mark 12:38,39.

 Application:

 One of the things that can enable and empower me/you to:

1.  Fear the Lord,

2.  Keep away from sexual immorality,

3.  Keep away from materialism,

4.  Keep humble,

…is to spend DAILY time with God and His word. Read his word, pray over his word, study his word, meditate on his word, memorize his word and obey his word by the power of the Holy Spirit as you seek to honor him.

It’s not hocus pocus, but rather a matter of sitting quietly and intentionally before the Lord of heaven and earth, waiting to hear from him…allowing him to encourage you, remind you of the gospel, remind you of his character, remind you of his gracious promises, remind you of his steadfast and everlasting love.

The primary responsibility of every leader is to hear from God. God speaks to us through his word, the Bible.

 In The Navigators we used to say: either sin will keep you from God’s word or God’s word will keep you from sin. I have never known a godly, consistent, victorious, fruit-bearing follower of Jesus who skimped on his time with God. Let other things go, but don’t let time with God and his Word go.

“And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.”  Deuteronomy 6:6,7 (ESV)

When it comes to leadership temptations, our thoughts might quickly go to money and sex, which are two at the top of most people’s list and are certainly the most obvious temptations.

There are  lots of others though!

Here are four temptations to be aware of as a leader, which are not so blatantly obvious as sex and money.

1. The temptation of comparing and competing

From early on we get caught up in the comparing and competing “games.” Who is smarter, better looking, a better athlete, more popular, etc. As leaders we are tempted to compare most everything and anything…size of ministry, salaries, cars, house, responsibilities, fruitfulness, breakthroughs, victories, major achievements. It is a deadly and dangerous game that seldom brings good things. Comparing and competing has been (and still is) one of my biggest temptations. I need to establish my value and worth in what Jesus did for me and who I am in him, and not in what I have accomplished or accumulated! “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all else is sinking sand.”

 A number of years ago I came across 1 Corinthians 4:7 in The Message, “Isn’t everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what’s the point of all this comparing and competing?” I like to answer questions that scripture asks. The answer is of course everything I have and am are sheer gifts of grace. And, if I truly believe that, there is no point in comparing and competing with others. It’s a one-way ticket to frustration, pride and discouragement.

2. The temptation of elitism

This is a matter of thinking the rules don’t apply to you. It’s tempting to begin taking liberties because you think you are a cut above the rest; thinking that you deserve more, deserve better. You begin to think that others are there to serve you, to cater to your every need and treat you differently and special. You convince yourself that you have earned it by your successes. You begin to loose a sense of gratitude and instead acquire a sense of greediness for more and more…more attention, more accolades, more success, all the time trying to convince yourself it’s all for the kingdom.

Here is Mark 12:38,39 in NLT, “Here are some of the other things he taught them at this time, Beware of these teachers of religious law! For they love to parade in flowing robes and to have everyone bow to them as they walk in the market places. And how they love the seats of honor in the synagogues and at banquets.” We all need to be careful on this one.

We have rock stars, movie starts, and famous athletes. We hold them up as models and almost worship them. If we are not careful we can do the same things with our Christian pastors and leaders.

3. The temptation of thinking that it’s always, and mostly, about you

It’s about your plans, your goals, your vision, your desires, your hopes, etc. One thing I am learning (and teaching) these days is that leadership is not about the leader, but about Jesus and his plans and purposes for his people. Jesus needs to be in the center (not me) of what is happening. Leadership is not an end but a means to an end and that end is the glory of God and the good of his people.

 In his book, “The Catalyst Leader” Brad Lomenick shares seven signs you’re too big for your britches:

1. You feel like you need an entourage everywhere you go;

2. You’re unreachable, using systems and handlers to shield you from others;

3. The only people you make time for are those who can do something for you;

4. You speak and offer advice far more than you ask questions and take notes;

5. You quit laughing, especially at yourself;

6. You feel certain jobs are beneath you and would be offended if someone asked you to perform those tasks;

7. You feel no one’s work ever meets your approval except your own. 

4. The temptation of acting independently and unilaterally

The busier you get and the more successful you think you are, the more temptation  there is to begin skipping significant time with God, which can lead to not hearing from him, not keeping humble, dependent and being genuinely interested in what others are thinking, feeling  and wanting to say to speak into your life or leadership.

 Over time you can begin believing your own press clippings, thinking that every idea you have, and every decision you make is always God’s will. You are tempted to stop intentionally asking others for input or advice, assuming that you have an inside track to God and are always right. Leaders need to be very careful of insulating and isolating themselves from the input of others. It is tempting to surround yourself with those who will agree with everything you say or do and only tell you what you want to hear.

Taking it a step further, you may begin believing that anyone who disagrees with you is always wrong and an enemy to be kept at a distance and be leery of. This leads to suspicion, skepticism and a lack of trust.  It’s all downhill from there.

What are your biggest temptations as a leader?

Please share a comment.

By John C Maxwell

April 9, 2013

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
- Thomas A. Edison

Nobody likes to fail. But if we’re honest, we understand that failure is a part of life. There is no success without some amount of failure. Great inventors like Thomas Edison experience a lot of failures on the way to a successful invention. Even the best baseball players strike out much more often than they hit a home run. Anyone pursuing a goal of value will make mistakes and wrong decisions. So the key is to expect failure, to prepare for it, to be ready turn it into a lesson and a stepping stone to success. There is such a thing as a successful failure.

These are some of the traits of a successful failure:

1. Optimism. Find the benefit in every bad experience.

Thomas Edison redefined the failures in his experiments as “10,000 ways that won’t work.” He expected failure and counted it as one of the costs of finding a way that would work. By finding the benefit in the failure, he was able to keep attempting something great.

Optimism is not limited to a few people as a personality trait. Optimism is a choice. And while it doesn’t guarantee immediate positive results, it does result in higher motivation and stronger character.

2. Responsibility. Change your response to failure by accepting responsibility.

When we fail at something, it’s easy to blame someone or something else. Perhaps the circumstances or the people that we worked with. But failure is a learning opportunity. If I blame someone else, I’m just cheating myself out of that lesson.

Responsibility is more important than reputation. And it tends to lead to reward, which can lead to more responsibility. Your willingness to take responsibility marks you as someone who’s mature and can be trusted to learn from the failure and keep trying.

3. Resilience. Say goodbye to yesterday.

The ability to move on from failure is key to continuing to attempt great things. The mind can only focus on so much, so if we’re still too focused on what we did wrong, we can’t give all of our attention to attempting to do things right.

Here are five behaviors of people who haven’t gotten over past difficulties:

• Comparison. Either measuring your failures against those of others, or convincing yourself that your circumstances were harder than theirs.
• Rationalization. Telling yourself and others that you have good reasons for not getting over past hurts and mistakes. Believing that those who encourage you “just don’t understand.”
• Isolation. Pulling back and keeping yourself separate from others, either to avoid dealing with the issues, or to continue to feel sorry for yourself.
• Regret. Getting stuck lamenting or trying to fix things that cannot be changed.
• Bitterness. Feeling like a victim and blaming others for negative outcomes.

4. Initiative. Take action and face your fear.

When we make mistakes and then consider trying again, we all feel some measure of fear. Facing the unknown, we easily come up with a list of things to worry about. But the act of worrying doesn’t help us at all in accomplishing our goals. As Corrie ten Boom said, “Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.

Just believing that failure can be good isn’t enough to help us succeed. We need to act on that belief and take a step forward again in pursuit of our dream. Only then do we learn from our mistakes and make progress.

 A successful failure is a failure that we respond to correctly: by finding the good, taking responsibility, moving on, and taking action. How do you respond to failure? Which of the above characteristics would you benefit from adopting?

People follow a leader for at least two reasons. They respect who you are and they are excited about where you are going. It is undoubtedly true that people buy into who you are before they want to join you in where you’re going.

In the military, and in most businesses, people have to follow because of their leader’s position. That is the lowest type of leadership. It is so much better if people are following you because they want to, based on your character rather than on your position.

In his excellent book “Organic Leadership,” Neil Cole mentions five types of authority that we most often encounter:

Positional - Expertise - Relational - Moral - Spiritual 

Neil says this about positional authority:

“It is derived from the rank or place one occupies in a system or organization. It is tied directly to the chain of command. With positional authority, the amount of respect a person has is based on the position alone. Many times those who show respect to a person in positional authority do not actually respect the person as much as they fear the position.”

2) You Possess A Vision Of A Better Future That Stretches And Challenges You And Others 

John Maxwell, the leadership guru, has said for years that everything rises and falls on leadership and I totally agree with him. Allow me to add that things rise faster when that leadership has a vision and falls further when it doesn’t. Everything starts with vision. A real leader is one who leads people from where they are to where they could be or should be and that someplace is future oriented. Andy Stanley in his excellent book “Deep and Wide” says: “The catalyst for introducing and facilitating change in the local church is a God-honoring, mouthwatering, unambiguously clear vision.” Gotta love it! Growing disciples long for a “mouthwatering” vision. I believe people who follow us want to be stretched and challenged to something bigger than themselves and bigger than current reality; something that will honor Jesus and His kingdom.

People respond to vision, morale is built on vision, organizations grow and are sustained when a vision is present. I love Exodus 32:34: “But now go, lead the people to the place about which I have spoken to you.” (ESV)

God speaks and shows his leaders a vision of a preferred future. The leader then, with His help, leads the people toward that future which is a win for the followers, the church or organization and for the kingdom.

3) You Are Delegating And Trusting Others With Decision-Making Responsibilities-Not Just Giving Them Tasks To Do 

Delegate or suffocate. Big leaders trust others to help them. Little leaders try to do it all by themselves sending themselves further down the road to burnout. Life-giving and empowering delegation happens when a leader trusts others in making decisions, which is far different than merely giving tasks to others but making all the important decisions yourself. Exodus 18:22 (ESV) mentions this: “And let them judge the people at all times. Every great matter they shall bring to you, but any small matter they shall decide themselves. So it will be easier for you, and they will bear the burden with you” (Underlining mine). A growing and developing leader is learning how to train others in making decisions and is not becoming the bottle-neck in the decision-making process.

4) You Are Building A Culture Of Trust, Honesty, And Safety 

Too many churches and organizations are built on a culture of fear: fear of an overbearing leader, fear of failure, fear of not making your numbers, fear of not doing everything perfectly, fear of offending someone, fear of losing your job by speaking your mind. Everyone does better when a culture of trust, love, kindness, patience, honesty and safety characterize any group, church or organization. We could use a good dose of the “fruit of the Spirit” in our church leadership.

5. You Take Responsibility For Your Sins And Mistakes Without Blaming Others 

Watergate was a turning point in American politics. This was the first “-gate” but not the last that opened up a window for us to see how some leaders lead by lying and distorting the truth (for personal gain and votes) rather than telling the truth. If history is any guide, we will face other “-gates” that we will need to look into.

It is the strong, not the weak, leader who is quick to confess, repent, take responsibility and not dodge the bullet thereby allowing someone else to become the fall guy. The next generation of leaders is looking for honesty and integrity in their leaders. They want leaders who are transparent, vulnerable and honest about their sins, shortcomings and mistakes.  Author and pastor, Mark Batterson, says “Authenticity is the new authority in leadership.” What most followers are looking for in their leaders is authenticity, not perfection.

+So how are you doing? 

1. Are you leading through character or relying on your position?
2. Are you leading with a compelling vision?
3. Are you leading by delegating or doing it all by yourself?
4. Are you leading out of a culture of fear or a culture characterized by trust, honesty and safety?
5. Are you leading by taking personal responsibility for your actions or are you quick to place the blame elsewhere?

Please take a few minutes and evaluate your leadership. Where would Jesus want you to experience change? “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 (ESV) 

Deuteronomy 16:3,12 ESV

"…that all the days of your life you may remember the day when you came out of the land of Egypt…you shall remember that you were a slave in Egypt." 

Jesus, help me always to remember what you saved me from and what you saved me to. I am so grateful and eternally thankful!

+Additional Thoughts:

It seems that a good deal of what is in the book of Deuteronomy has to do with remembering and not forgetting. Many of the Jewish holidays commemorate some amazing and miraculous event in their history. If it is not a holiday, then it is a pile of rocks some place to commemorate something special that God did for them.

The most spectacular thing they are to remember is being delivered from Egypt, which of course is celebrated by Passover from which we have Easter.

Remembering that God saved you by his grace, and grace alone is a fact that a Christian leader should never forget and always remember. It is the starting point and the empowering factor for all fruitful ministry.

I mentioned a song by Tommy Walker a while ago. The song is titled “We Will Remember.” Check it out on iTunes sample. You may find great joy in worshipping with this song as I do most days.

Here are a few lines from the song:

“We will remember, we will remember

We will remember the works of your hands

We will stop and give you praise

For great is Thy faithfulness

I still remember the day you saved me

The day I heard you call out my name

You said you loved me and would never leave me

And I’ve never been the same

I believe that faith has a good memory and fear has a bad memory.

We do well when we remember and we do poorly when we forget.

We are encouraged in both the Old Testament and the New Testament not to forget but to remember:

• Remember God’s faithfulness
• Remember God’s saving power
• Remember God’s mercy
• Remember God’s guidance
• Remember God’s grace
• Remember God’s goodness and greatness
• Remember God’s everlasting love
• Remember your calling
• Remember your vision

Well, you get the idea…I could go on and on, but I won’t!

To get the ball rolling, here are a few verses that deal with remembering and not forgetting; verses that have been of immense help and encouragement to me.

“And Joseph remembered the dreams he had dreamed of them…” Genesis 42:9 ESV

“And they began discussing with one another the fact that they had no bread. And Jesus, aware of this, said to them. Why are you discussing the fact that you have no bread? Do you not yet perceive or understand? Are your hearts hardened? Having eyes do you not see, and having ears do you not hear? And do you not remember?” Mark 8:17,18 ESV

“These things I have spoken to you while I am still with you. But the helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, he will teach you all things and bring to your remembrance all that I have said to you.” John 14:25,26

“And they will do these things because they have not known the Father nor me. But I have said these things to you, that when their hour comes you may remember that I told them to you.” John 16:3,4

“For if these qualities are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he is blind, having forgotten that he was cleansed from his former sin.” 2 Peter 1:9 ESV

“So I will work hard to make these things clear to you. I want you to remember them long after I am gone.” 2 Peter 1:15 NLT

Our enemy works overtime to get us to forget, and the Holy Spirit’s job is to help us remember. Who are you listening to?

Are you truly an amazing boss or just a good one? See how many of these 10 traits are natural for you.

Recently, I had overwhelming response to my column on 10 Things Really Amazing Employees Do. In it, I also gave tips for being a better boss. Better is great, but amazing bosses didn't need the tips because they already knew what to do.

Being a boss is hard. People don't naturally wish to have one. And not everyone aspires to be one. But most people are anxious to follow a good leader, and most organizations live and die on the quality of the leaders who run them. See how you stack up with these 10 traits. I have given a reference point for good bosses as well so you can assess if you are truly hitting the mark or if perhaps your people are just being nice when they say you're amazing.

1. Good Bosses Maintain Control And Get Things Done

Amazing Bosses know efficiency can be the enemy of efficacy in the long run and so they work to create an atmosphere of expansive thinking. They empower their team with time, resources and techniques, to solve big issues with big ideas instead of Band-Aids and checklists.

2. Good Bosses Foster A Sense Of Community, Making Room For Everyone

Amazing Bosses form an internal culture by design rather than default, making sure they attract the right people to get on the bus and then get them in the right seats. They also make sure that the wrong people never get on the bus, or if they do, they get off quickly.

3. Good Bosses Invite Creative Thinking

Amazing Bosses know how to integrate creativity into daily conversation and procedures so that every employee feels natural about being creative and facilitating productive creativity when interacting with others in the company.

4. Good Bosses Create An Open Environment For Voicing Concern And Frustration

Amazing Bosses create an environment where people are empowered to make change on their own to improve product, process, and procedures. They integrate open communication to the point where the expression of honest concerns is expected, required, and desired by everyone involved to achieve the highest levels of team performance.

5. Good Bosses Encourage Career Development For Their Employees

Amazing Bosses integrate individual learning and development into every job description so that personal growth is required and rewarded. They know companies that do this thrive thanks to new leaders rising from the inside. They make sure the company apportions time and dollars toward personal growth so that everyone shares reasonable expectations of commitment and success.

6. Good Bosses Run Effective And Efficient Meetings

Amazing Bosses make sure that everyone on the team understands the difference between a valuable meeting and a waste of time and resources. They educate the team on facilitation techniques and give each person consistent practice at structuring and leading effective meetings with postmortem feedback.

7. Good Bosses Build Trust So People Feel Safe

Amazing Bosses encourage constant interaction and high performance within the team so they succeed or fail together, creating tight bonds of loyalty to the company and each other. Successes are met with equal high praise and rewards, while failures are met with encouraging acceptance and postmortem learning discussions yielding next-step improvements. (Of course amazing bosses know how to make sure people and teams fail safely in the first place.)

8. Good Bosses Generate Happiness In The Workplace

Amazing Bosses constantly seek and execute ways to help employees gain deep personal satisfaction from their responsibilities so they are inspired and excited to come to work and perform well every day.

9. Good Bosses Make Sure People Are Responsible For Their Roles And Actions

Amazing Bosses promote personal accountability by providing clear communication and buy-in as to the culture, vision, and goals for the company. They know how to effectively and efficiently align the team, communicate in rhythm, and measure progress so they can adjust quickly with minimal risk.

10. Good Bosses Know How To Praise And Show Gratitude

Amazing Bosses know how to instill a deep sense of personal satisfaction and accomplishment in individual team members. They help employees develop a strong sense of self-confidence and self-praise that outweighs any pat-on-the-back or award provided.

An Inc. 500 entrepreneur with a more than $1 billion sales and marketing track record, Kevin Daum is the best-selling author of Video Marketing for Dummies. @awesomeroar 

Author Patrick Lencioni says, “The bottom line is having a team which can demonstrate trust, engage in conflict, commit to group decisions, hold their peers accountable, and focus on the results of the team, not their own egos. I don’t think anyone ever gets completely used to conflict. If it’s not a little uncomfortable, then it’s not real.”

Knowing how to deal openly and honestly with conflict with coworkers, friends and family is critical to good leadership.

Here are a few practical ideas in dealing with conflict:

Do It Now

The single hardest thing to do in dealing with conflict is to do it now.  You can always convince yourself that now is not the right time. When it comes to dealing with a conflict no time ever seems to be the right time, so you can procrastinate forever. There are people who have not spoken to each other in years due to a conflict that was swept under the proverbial carpet. Don’t wait! Do it now. Time does not automatically heal things and waiting too long to take the initiative and act can actually increase the chances of bitterness and resentment that can fester for years

Do It With Research

He who jumps to conclusions has a bad landing. Do your homework. Think about what you have seen or heard. Pray. Let scripture speak into your thought processes. Seek godly counsel. Don’t rush to judgment. Be ready to be wrong and eat humble pie if it becomes clear you have been in error or have incomplete or inaccurate information. Take your time--but don’t take too much time!

Do It With Courage

“Be on guard. Stand true to what you believe. Be courageous. Be strong. And everything you do must be done with love.” 1 Corinthians 16:13 (NLT)

I think this verse is telling us to go with our convictions given to us by the Holy Spirit by being courageous and strong in a loving way (we’ll get to the loving part in a minute) as you deal with people over a conflict you are experiencing. I don’t know about you, but I need Holy Spirit empowered courage to confront people when it is called for and not run from it. Running is my natural/sinful default mode. 

Do It With Honesty

Don’t dance around the issue. Don’t soft-peddle it or water it down. Speak the honest truth, the whole truth--even the parts that may hurt. Honesty is still the best policy. My responsibility is to tell the truth as I perceive it, not to hide the truth or white-wash it in the name of “love.” Ephesians 4:15 reminds us to “speak the truth in love.” Let’s not be so truthful that we are unloving and not so loving that we are untruthful, but truthful and loving. It’s not easy, but it is essential.

Do It With Humility

“Brothers, if anyone is caught in any transgression, you who are spiritual should restore him in a spirit of gentleness. Keep watch on yourself, lest you too be tempted.” Galatians 6:1 (ESV)

This verse speaks to me of humility in confronting another person with whom you are in conflict over something that has been said or done. Coming into conflict resolution talk with a deep sense of humility surely helps, but doesn’t guarantee a positive outcome, and a sense of pride surely hurts the prospects of a positive outcome. Thinking about what Jesus did for you and me by resolving the conflict created by our sin should keep us humble as we approach others with whom we are in conflict.

Do It With Love

The bottom line in trying to resolve a conflict with people is the fact that you really and genuinely love them and desire the best for them. Your actions must come from a heart of love, not a heart of anger, a heart of hurt or a heart of revenge. It’s true that God loves us just the way we are, but He loves us too much to leave us that way. This should be our attitude toward those God has put in our world: By his grace we love them as they are, but we love them too much to leave them that way.

Back to 1 Corinthians 16:13: “…and everything you do must be done with love.” It’s love that should motivate us to move toward the difficult conversation. It’s not really love that motivates us to run from the difficult conversation.

Fellow leader, honestly, how are you doing? Is there someone in your team, in your circle of friends or in your family that you need to approach and have a courageous, honest, loving and humble conversation with?

Somebody else would rotate in for six months and then back to their previous slot. I told him it was my understanding that he had applied for this job as a new “full time position.” He had, I was told, but the boss decided not to offer it because a certain individual in the organization with seniority would apply and they didn’t want this person to have the job. I asked him why this was and was told that the boss in question had worked with this person before and didn’t want to do it again, so he changed the rules and the assignment to keep them from applying. He was confident they wouldn’t apply for it due to the six-month rotation scenario.

I was told that the “difficult person” in question was somewhat lazy, didn’t have a good work ethic and was generally difficult to work with. I asked the obvious question: Hadn’t anybody ever dealt with this person by confronting their behavior and work ethic? No, was the response. Nobody has the “courage” to do that…not the present boss or anybody else during this person’s tenure with the company.

As I hung up the phone, I was a bundle of mixed emotions--frustrated, confused, perplexed, angry and feeling empathy for my friend. I knew how much he wanted, and probably would have gotten, this job had this “difficult person” not been in the picture. But there wasn’t anything he could do about it and those who could, wouldn’t, and hadn’t .

-Organizational Politics And Personal Cowardice Had Won Again-

As I sat musing over this phone call, I thought of how many times I had seen this in my years of leadership. I have come to the conclusion that many leaders would rather leave their organization, change the rules (as in the case described above), lie, or do almost anything rather than confront  people or issues that need to be dealt with. I was on a team years ago where the leader was totally incompetent and everybody knew it, including our regional leader. It was well within the authority of the regional leader to dismiss, or at least confront this person, and suggest alternative jobs, but he instead created a team to compensate for the person’s inabilities and kept him around. After a year or so he was finally let go, but it should have happened much earlier. It would have been the best for all concerned. But the courage was not there.

What, it seems to me, is lacking in the above described situations, and numerous others I have experienced and read about, is courageous leadership. The willingness to make the tough calls, the hard decisions. The courage to do the right thing, which may not always be the popular thing.  The courage to face the music and not dance around or plan around the person or the issue. I have seen this tendency of avoidance in churches, in Christian organizations, in politics, in the military and in many business settings. There is the fear of litigation or recrimination, the fear of making an unpopular decision or being disliked by peers, or the fear of loosing money, position or power.

A number of years ago, I made a decision that I would pray regularly for the courage to confront and collide when necessary and called for. I am still working at being faithful to my decision. It is not easy and is often misunderstood. Two passages of scripture have helped me in my resolve. The first passage contains stern words by Jesus, warning the listening multitude to beware of popularity, which is high on a lot of leader’s priority list.

“There’s trouble ahead when you live only for the approval of others, saying what flatters them, doing what indulges them. Popularity contests are not truth contests…your job is to be true, not popular.” - Luke 6:26, The Message

Then, there is a wonderful statement by Caleb when he reflects back on the honest, but unpopular, stand he and Joshua took when they were outnumbered by the naysayers--a stand for which they came close to be stoned to death for.

“I was forty years old at the time, and Moses had sent us from Kadesh-Barnea to spy out the land of Canaan. I reported what I felt was the truth.” - Joshua 14:7, The Living Bible

The phrase “I reported what I felt was the truth.” has motivated me on numerous occasions when I was fearful of speaking out, taking a stand, or confronting a person or issue. There are other biblical passages that encourage me to do and say what I perceive to be true, right and appropriate rather than what is politically or organizationally correct, but these two are my favorites. Now, don’t get me wrong. I am not advocating being nasty and having an “in your face” attitude. I am simply voting for honesty, truthfulness, and the courage of one’s convictions. Isn’t that part of being a courageous leader as we shepherd, develop, equip and empower others to achieve a God-given and God-pleasing vision?

Think About It:

1. What issue or person comes to mind that you need courage to deal with?
2. Write down the fears or factors that are keeping you from doing what is right and God honoring.
3. When will you do it and who can you recruit to pray for you and with you as you step out?